I had a birthday recently, and one of the things I planned was a leisurely lunch with my kids. We had about ninety minutes to sit together and eat a delicious meal.

I have spoiled myself my whole life in many different ways. My birthday weekend I decided that I would simply spend my time doing what I wanted and when it came to the time the kids spent with me, I would insist on some things I wanted to do. I picked the restaurant, and after some chit chat, I dug into what I had planned to talk about.

A few years ago there was a semi-viral NYT article with a series of questions they suggested two people could ask one another to fall in love. I started with that list and edited it down and reworded them somewhat to come up with questions to ask my kids to hopefully learn more about how they thought about things in their lives. I asked the questions in the order listed below.

My kids are seventeen and eighteen, but I wish I’d thought of this a few years ago, and I can see asking these again in a few years, and every few years after. It was a good exercise to force myself to shut up and listen, and as a consequence I managed to learn a little. They did ask a few of these for my answer in return.

I’d encourage you to try this for yourself.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? [My kids took the fifth.]
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Everything you own is in a house that catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself or anything else, what would you want to know?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship? [I think I accidentally skipped this one.]
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Is there anything too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? [My kids really didn’t like the questions that involved dying. I think this has to do with the natural assumption of immortality that teenagers possess.]
Alternate sharing something you consider to be a positive characteristic of your sibling. Share three each.